How To Stop Comparing Your Dates To Your Exes

Have you ever caught yourself comparing your current date to someone from your past? The comparison is a natural part of a human nature. Of course, no one likes to be compared. If fact, the best way to build successful relationships is to never compare your partner to your exes up laud. But how to stop your inner voice from comparing people over and over again?   First of all, we need to understand how we usually compare our relationships. With every relationship there is an outcome. These outcomes are determined by comparing the amount of rewards present in a relationship versus the amount of costs present. The outcome is determined to be positive when the rewards outweigh the costs in a relationship. Conversely, the outcome is negative when the costs outweigh the rewards. Writing down the list of positives versus negatives in relationships is suggested by most psychologists, and it does work, except when we're feeling strong emotions, it becomes very difficult for us to think clearly and rationally. This is when the compatibility tests are very helpful, especially when they tell you exactly where you stand in relationships. 

But the most difficult part is to believe, that compatibility test you take can be trusted. Ayn Rand in her theory of Objectivism rejected all forms of faith or mysticism, terms that she used synonymously. She defined faith as "the acceptance of allegations without evidence or proof, either apart from or against the evidence of one's senses and reason... Mysticism is the claim to some non-sensory, non-rational, non-definable, non-identifiable means of knowledge, such as 'instinct,' 'intuition,' 'revelation,' or any form of 'just knowing.' Faith, for Rand, is not a "short-cut" to knowledge, but a "short-circuit" destroying it. But there is the organization of scientists, that work on achievement of a scientific understanding of telepathy, clairvoyance, psychokinesis, psychic healing, and precognition. It called the Parapsychological Association. There are modern quantum physics who convinced that reality is just a mental construct that we can rearrange and improve, if we are enlightened or determined enough. And there are still a long way ahead for our civilization to advance its understanding of a nature and as a part of it, a human nature. I always come back to science, and I will over and over again, but living without faith is scary. I need mine to get out of bed in the morning. 

Having a faith in something non-rational is close to having an illusion. But I can compare looking at the results of my own compatibility test and the result of my friend’s tests for the very first time with the feeling of being hit by a truck. Maybe because I just got tired from years of comparison based on my own feelings and objectives or because my list of past relationships is rather ample, but for the first time I felt empowered to end my circle of regret. How many times did you memorize your past relationships, thinking if you did so and so, you would still be together? Do you believe that people can change? The interesting thing I realized looking at my compatibility charts is that people “changeability” has nothing to do with relationships. If you felt irritated by someone in the past, it’s an illusion that this pattern will change some day in the future. You may miss a strong emotional response with someone you loved 10 years ago, but you will still feel an attraction if you meet again. People change, but your relationships to them do not. Logically speaking, if this principle worked with every person from the past, if it works with everyone I know, if it works for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for Julia Roberts and Daniel Moder, why would I be stubborn to ignore this knowledge in my life? Why would I trust my intuition which failed me before and settle for someone who is not compatible to me? Out of lack of free choice?

Having a free choice is disputable. You may work the job you don’t like, because you must pay the mortgage. You may want to travel to Paris, but you can’t afford it. Your credit score can be 580 and your chancesto buy a house for $989,000 is close to zero. Your last name is not Rockefeller. But we do have one right that no one can take away. That’s a right of communication. You have the right to start communication, and you have the right to end it. “Communication” has been derived from the Latin word "communis", meaning to share. You can be forced to speak, but no one can force you to share. 

Your can draw to comparison chart yourself. Just add all indexes to the table, and take a look. Isn’t it interesting? Our Relationships Analysis tool does it for you. You can sort your list by attraction, compatibility, intensity etc. Numbers clear up your view from emotions. And that is important, because emotions block the critical thinking, and so our ability to judge well. Numbers and diagrams can tell more than their language equivalent. Ancients used symbols and numbers to preserve science for future generations, knowing that the language will change with time, but symbols are timeless. 

Is it healthy to compare your dates to your exes? For once, it is natural. We naturally compare objects and subjects. We tend to compare people, but we usually don’t like to be compared by someone else. It is not healthy to live in the past. Every action has its cycle – creation, survival and destruction. The analysis of any relationships should be done, put up on the shelf of your experience, and used as knowledge to keep on living life. People you loved will never leave your list neither should be forgotten. They made us who we are today. And I would like to see your list updated with just one person – the one with a highest compatibility. The one who will win any competition. The one who deserve saying – “You are the best!”